Oh that’s right! I’m already there.
I don’t know if it’s because the Hubby has been traveling and working more than usual or if it’s because I’m still not back to full speed from my surgery (6 weeks this Wednesday) or if my children have a voodoo doll in their rooms that looks like me.
I’m tired. Spent, really. Burned out, bummed, over it, frustrated, fed up, pooped and feeling completely lost.
I always have my angry face on these days; this according to my children and yes, my Hubby. I am yelling…a lot. I hate the mom I am right now. I really am no fun because to be fun it would require me to loosen up just a little and we all know if that happens here, then the chaos that will follow will take exactly 1,854,834 hours to fix.
Why can’t I just relax and let my kids be kids?
The sheer volume of work they create – laundry, dishes, mess after mess – simply takes so much time and energy that I feel like that is all I do and I don’t have time to be a MOTHER. You know, that nurturing, loving figure who spends time reading to her children, teaching them about life and playing with them. She laughs when they get together in the kitchen to bake homemade muffins and the flour accidentally gets dumped all over the floor. That is not me. I would LOVE for it to be, but when I do stuff like that with my kids, all I am thinking about is how long it will take for me to clean things up.
That’s really sad.
I am obsessed with shows about large families. I watch these women who have 12 children and see them doing 50 loads of laundry a week with a smile on their face. They are stirring a vat of beans the size of a water cooler while nursing a baby and teaching the older 6 to play the violin (simultaneously). How? Why can’t I master MY home and MY family? What is that missing ingredient?
Each day I wake up resolved to do better, be happier, more kind and patient. I feel like every day I am failing and my children are missing out on having a good mom.
Maybe tomorrow…
13 Comments
March 19, 2007 at 9:27 pm
All I can say is that THOSE women have to be on serious dosages of Valium. Enough said.
We all have those days (and sometimes stretches of days!) that we just feel like terrible wives and mothers. Hang in there!
March 19, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Honey, you aren’t alone! My husband has been asking me lately when the “Happy Teeny” is coming back. I’ve just been in a big slump, and I am not sure why, or how to fix it.
I’m also with you on the Mum’s who have a gazzillion kids, while I am struggling to raise 2!!! I even wonder how my own Mum did it with 4 kids, all of whom were born by the time she was 25!!!
Hang in there, things can only get better from here on
March 20, 2007 at 1:03 am
Hi, I’ve been lurking for a while here and I just wanted to say that I totally relate to this post. I have 2 kids, ages 3 and 1, and a third due in September. I, too, struggle to have “fun” with my kids and while coping with the constant noise and feeding and cleaning, etc. I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone, and I think all moms feel like this from time to time. “This too shall pass”…eventually! That’s what I tell myself, at least.
March 20, 2007 at 8:50 am
Jennifer – Glad you stopped by!
Thanks ladies for the encouragement. It always helps to know I’m not alone in this!
March 20, 2007 at 9:56 am
I used to know patience – at least we were acquainted, but now? She’s a stranger to me.
March 20, 2007 at 11:40 am
Valium? I think it is something much harder.
Lane, I’m like this with one. Just thinking about the extra laundry yours generate makes me woozy.
March 21, 2007 at 12:13 am
oh lord, how about a dose of dr. laura?!
March 21, 2007 at 12:14 am
ps – i was gone for a long weekend… heard you called and got a message from last week. i know, i suck. i will call you tomorrow. i am wiped.
March 21, 2007 at 11:26 am
this shall definately pass…
i’m feeling the same lately. my kids keep telling me to use my inside voice (oops.) we were just talking at bible study yesterday about how we watch these ’supermoms’ on tv and then wonder how we are finding two (or four) overwhelming.
answer? those women are crazy. completely crazy, i mean, seriously, 12 kids?!?!?!
March 21, 2007 at 11:53 am
GM – You know, you are right! Besides, when the cameras are rolling, anyone can plaster a smile on their face and maintain their cool. AND, I suspect that if I had 3 or 4 teenagers to help me out with the little ones, I could do it too!
Now, I feel better. lol I’m so bad.
March 25, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Please run, don’t walk to a library near you and check out our book! I think it might make you feel better. I am NOT spamming you to buy the sucker, it is available at most libraries. My goal in this world, as is Aviva’s, is to absolve moms (and dads!) of guilt! If you need even more guilt absolution, let me know. Aviva and I are available to help. Please let us! : )
March 25, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Well, I got so involved with trying to be quick abou things I forgot to put include the title. Well, I may not have mommy guilt, but I definitely have mommy brain! The book is called “Mommy Guilt: Learn To Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids”(AMACOM)
Now I am off to get some much needed coffee to awaken my brain!
March 26, 2007 at 9:22 pm
Did you rip a page from my old diary and print it without my permission? It sounds familiar. One thing that is good to remember is that your kids will not remember much from their early years. Really. They won’t remember the messes they made or that you were grumpy sometimes. They might remember a few hall of shame moments (we all have those) but their memories will be of their nice Mommy who loved them. It’s true: this too shall pass. Hang in there.